Those who know me know that I’m very transparent… and I give thanks to my life experiences over the past 12 months (and my life journey, period). Around this time last year, I SEPARATED from my husband. We have been through and over some things, lol but thank God we still remain friends, have love for one another, and co-parent like no other.
Only a select amount of family (close friends) knew and I came to realize even though you love them (and always will)… you can’t always trust them (family and people who we think are our friends). They may be the first to “tell it” and don’t always have your best interest at heart. Some only even reach out to get the details rather than being there for you… lol, those are the ones that were never truly there for you anyway. Others didn’t even ask if I was okay, if I needed anything, and/or followed up after knowing what was going on… my best interest wasn’t truly their concern. I forgive and I pray to be forgiven. I love regardless… some, at a distance.
A few other things happened after that through today, including the following:
Sometimes God closes doors because it’s time for us to move forward and let go…He knows you won’t move forward or make changes unless your circumstances or the people in your life force you to… It was a DIFFICULT decision to make because we were in a good space. There had been no unknown cheating at the moment… the kids and I recently moved to NC to be with him. However, I had an epiphany one morning as if God was speaking to me. He was saying what he had said to me year after year… it’s time to let go. But out of fear…out of love… control, and wanting to hold on…I always chose to stay. There were always factors that I would consider. I love this man, I grew up in a single parent household, what do I do next, do I really want to be without him, can I be without him, what about my kids, what’s next? All of these questions… but there were years of hurt, lies, disloyalty, and other things that remained in my heart and in that moment my FAITH was stronger than ever!
I fasted in January and one of the things that I prayed for was discernment. It’s not always about what we want or what we think we need in the order that we believe we should have those things or people. God may stop job opportunities, relationships, businesses, etc. because he has other plans. We have to trust the process and lean into our FAITH. DJ did not make it easy for me in the first few months because he was hurt. He told me he never thought I would really leave because after all he did, I always made it work. He said, he took me for granted and my light threats to leave in the past fell on death ears because I never left. He said he was selfish and took my love, my strength, my loyalty for granted. He also said, “folks may not know or understand but together or apart, we are still a team.”
Because of how I was growing in my faith, I decided to get baptized in February. It was liberating… I felt like I was born again. I began to nurture my spirit, spend more time with my boys, self-reflection, focusing more on my goals, etc. I was GROWING as a mom, woman, friend, daughter, sister, teacher, entrepreneur, etc. QUEEN! I began to UNDERSTAND my purpose in life and that in order to be loved correctly, I have to first love myself. I am still a work in progress and intentionally through my faith and mindfulness practice lean into the present moment… with no judgment and I don’t take my experiences or the people that come in and out my life for granted. I’m appreciative of all things and people. Lol, there are people who have done me wrong that may be reading this, I forgive you… There may also be people that I have wronged reading this… and I pray that you forgive me.
I am TRANSFORMING daily…into the woman God created me to be… as I type this, I’m shedding tears of relief, of happiness, releasing worry, etc. living in my truth brings joy. I pray that you take steps to live in your truth…whatever that may look like in this moment and without judgment. I don’t care what people think… no one has walked in my shoes, no one can tell my story, no one person knows ALL the details. I’m not perfect but I’m perfectly IMPERFECT. I’m HOPEFUL… that the man God has for ME… the one he created just for ME… will arrive when he is supposed to and I won’t have to tell him what I want, how I want it… I won’t have to worry about him sleeping/kissing/entertaining other women, lying to me, being secretive, selfish, etc. because I WILL BE AND AM ENOUGH! He will be perfectly imperfect for ME.
It’s funny because in these last few months of “dating” I’ve realized that people are different lol. I may explain that in another blog post, lol. But really, I realized that I have to stop putting people in boxes, thinking they are going to fulfill this expectation of wholeness, thinking that they are all the same, trying to uncover the lie before it’s told, etc. Recognizing that everyone isn’t my past and everyone may not be around for what my future holds. PS. there are A LOT of crazies in this world, lol like CRAZY CRAZY… full of lessons though, for sure! Then you have people who see your greatness but aren’t ready for what you have to offer and accepting that… and appreciating the space to love and taking time and OPPORTUNITY to continue progressing.
I started a nonprofit that is flourishing (baby steps) and praying for continued support, donations, partnerships, etc. because I wasn’t given the ability to teach… to serve… and to be my most authentic self without purpose. God knew exactly what he was doing and I take nothing for granted. I continue to TRANSITION and accept the stumbles along the way. I will continue to LOVE unconditionally but without seeking to be loved and knowing that those that do and will love me will do that unconditionally as well. This months post was longer than usual and this is also my last blog post of 2020.
I thank you for your continued support and hope that you continue to tune in to my podcast on various platforms including, YOUTUBE, SPOTIFY, PODCAST, etc under FACTS with Fontashia. My podcast is for ALL! I will discuss various topics based on FACTS and opinions. I will take pleasure in interviewing regular everyday people discussing things that bring them pleasure from their personal lives to their business ventures, but we won’t stop there… I will teach basic skills and talk about topics that may be sensitive to some and interesting at its best. If you want to learn, laugh, and love… this is the podcast for you-for mature audiences ONLY! #nojudgementzone
Until next time Kings and Queens…
Respect and love,